Two Men and Two Women
There’s a meme circulating the internet about the types of people that come into your life: the one that breaks your heart, the one that teaches you a lesson and the one that shows you why the previous ones don’t work out. It’s a great meme and an honest meme. However, what happens if these people all come at once? What happens if one person plays all three roles? Well, this is my dilemma. Four people have come into my life and into my heart for different reasons.
1. Mr. Nice Guy
We know the good guy. This is the one who looks completely husband material on paper. He is highly formally educated. He works a high paying job. He is not ugly but physically attractive. He is an active part of the church. He comes from a nice middle class home. His goals are relatable: nice job, nice house, big family. He truly is the man you could introduce to the family. They would say he’s a very nice guy. I know the end game of that relationship. I would be a very nice mother in a nice size home. Arguments would be rare as to not make a scene in front of friends, family or kids. He would provide the perfect life every father wants their daughter to have. Yet, this article exists for a reason.
I’m not attracted to him, particularly sexually. Simple as that. I like the Hallmark card image of our nice family and home, but never have much to say about us. I wish I could say he’s secretly mean or possibly abusive or gay. No. I’m not attracted to the life I would have with him. His description of love and building a family is so formal it feels like a job description than a lifestyle. Sex outside of procreation would be polite, cordial and out of obligation. My role would be housewife first and Makeda last. I would have to constantly uphold myself to the prim and proper facade that I primarily put on for work and business functions. The truth is, I’ve been that all throughout my academic and track career. When I’m hurt, tired and frustrated I put on my smile mask and princess wave for outsiders looking in on my on-paper success. “Look at me.” I say “look at my medals and plaques and good grades. Things are great.” Meanwhile, I look back at most of the lovely filtered Instagram pics on my profile and remember how fake and posed most of those smiles were.
Please don’t give me, “see that’s why ya FEMALES are single always looking over the nice guy.” Lets get something straight, I as a woman and an individual am not obligated to fall for every man with a college degree and no criminal record. I have to wake up to the person each day. I have to struggle with this person. So, if I don’t like you, that’s that. If the timing is not right, that’s that. If our goals are not in line for our future, that’s that. I don’t owe anyone anything based on their accolades or resume. You could have the perfect resume for a journalist but if you’re applying for a job as an accountant, don’t be shocked if your nice guy resume is not chosen. Putting nice guy before or after your name like an additional degree does not make you entitled to every girl you want.
2. The Bad Boy
This one is not really a bad boy. In fact, him and Mr. Nice Guy are quite similar. They both have great bodies, great beards and college degrees. Of course, bad boy could catch a modeling career tomorrow if he was smart about it. His body looks hand crafted. His eyes are deep and dark and sultry. His lips are perfectly shaped. His voice is deep and sexy. This boy may be labeled as bad but oh Lord Jesus he is a sculpted beauty. He is younger than Mr. Nice Guy, which shows in his demeanor. He thinks he’s more mature than he is. In fact, he often sees himself through rose colored glasses. You can’t tell him anything which can either be interpreted as an immense amount of confidence or narcissism. To be honest, it’s both. However, despite not being as formally educated as Mr. Nice Guy, he definitely has more street smarts. His most attractive feature is he has the potential to be the wisest person you’ll meet, if he does not get in his own way.
Aside from some arrogance, he’s not a stereotypical bad boy, except for one thing. He is a ladies man. That’s unsurprising based on how beautiful I described him. He could get virtually any woman he wants. Based on his past, he has had sex with women that most men would spend their last dime just to talk to. Am I intimidated by that? No. I am me. If someone finds that attractive, great. If not, oh well. What is frustrating with this “gift” of his is his ability to catch women but no interest in keeping one. He can have the woman of his dreams in front of him and lose her because of his inconsistency and inability to commit (I talk more about these traits with the help of Derrick Jaxn in a previous article about a guy named Elijah).
His confidence can shift to an inability to listen and accept criticism which then festers into narcissism. Because of his charm, he builds relationships easily. However, because he makes relationships so easily, he burns bridges easily. If he hears something he does not like, he has no problem walking away. He’s emotional and expects people to cater to whatever mood he comes with.
What does that say about our future? Unlike Mr. Nice Guy, the attraction is undeniable. The sex would be amazing. However, it would likely be great due to all of the sexual things he learned from his side girlfriend. Like Mr. Nice Guy, we could make great instagram couple pictures. However, it would not be hard to learn about our in home dysfunction. Our kids would beautiful, but primarily my responsibility because there would be many days where he just won’t feel like picking them up from school or being bothered with the family he built. When things are great, they are passionate and full of genuine deep down belly laughs. When things are not, it is like walking on egg shells. Any wrong sentence could lead to a long period stand off of tension and silence.
Why on earth would I want that dysfunction? Like I said, when things are great, those moments are ingrained in your heart and memory. The great moments show potential. Potential means growth and learning. I want to be with someone I can grow and learn with. I want to be with someone I can show my true emotions without being politically correct or sugar coating. He leaves an impression, good or bad, wherever he goes. With him, you’ll experience something unforgettable.
3. The Good Woman
Then, I meet the person I click with immediately. There is attraction. We compliment each other intellectually and spiritually. We enjoy each other’s company and read each other’s emotions well. This person makes me excited to see them each day but is understanding when we need our space. Like Mr. Nice Guy, this person comes from a stable home and would provide a stable relationship. Like Bad Boy, the relationship would be unforgettable. This person is the total package, but this person is a woman.
I am for the #loveislove, #lovewins, #pride movements. However, I was always a supporter from the outside. I have had sex with many men, eight to be exact, but, I have never dated or had sex with a woman. Yes, I watch lesbian porn like it’s a series. I’ve kissed two girls in my life. However, I’ve never had a realistic thought of being in a same sex relationship. What is the sex like? When does foreplay turn to sex? How do I incorporate a male presence in my children’s lives? Through my male cousins? Uncles? Male community leaders?
As I said before, the relationship aspect including communication and understanding would not be a concern. We are so similar, there will always be something to enjoy, but we are different enough that there will be something new to learn. In all honesty, it’s the sex that’s my concern. I am aggressive and I like heterosexual sex because of the awkward aggression of men mixed with the softer, more fluid, sensuality of women. Unfortunately, patriarchy ruined sex by turning it into a game of win lose between men and women. What I admire from lesbian sex, at least what I see in porn, is the give and take nature. “I eat you, you eat me.” Pleasure on both ends is the focus.
“Well,” you may say, “If you like her so much. Just get with her.” That’s an emotional shift I’m not used to. My whole life I have been groomed to be an ideal lady for an ideal husband. Movies, family, social media tells me I need to dress, act and behave in particular ways to get the ideal man. I have been taught to tolerate men and their flaws because that’s how men are and by criticizing them, I am an angry ungrateful woman. The idea of being in a same sex relationship is not new territory. It’s like being on a whole new planet. It is beyond anything I’ve prepared myself for.
4. The Main Woman
Honestly, if any of the three mentioned read this, they’d likely cut me off anyway. So, I’d be left with this woman anyway, myself. Beyoncé was all too right when she sang, “Me, Myself and I that’s what I got in the end.” The three mentioned, despite my criticisms, are different, unique, special, make me happy in their own ways, and have left a mark in my life. Regardless of what happens with any of them, I wish them the best. However, I recognize and accept that it is possible that all three of them could be here for a season only to make the main woman, myself, better.
Being single is often, very often, tiring, lonely and frustrating, but I’d rather be single and secure than in a relationship where I can’t be myself. I wouldn’t want to put myself or the person I’m with through that.
There is no final choice at the end of this article. I do not have an epiphany in these last sentences and find my King or Queen. It’s just acknowledging how important the choices we make can be and committing to those choices. Each person mentioned can bring me joy or frustration, most likely both. However, many of that will depend on what I bring to the relationship. Ultimately, happiness is up to the individual.
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